Hello there, friend! If you're reading this post, then you must be interested in the spiritual journey I have undertaken since March of 2011. Although, in all actuality, my spiritual journey has been far, far longer than a mere 7 months (at the time of this posting). I subtitled this blog as "Or How I Stopped Running and Learned to Love Christ" (kind of a play on the movie "Dr. Strangelove, or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Bomb"), trying to add a little whimsy to the blog lol.
I grew up in a small rural Baptist church, but never understood, or really cared to understand, much about "my" religion. As an example, I remember when I was young, I was doing something stupid, and my sister told me something to the effect that "That's not how a Christian acts!" My response was, "I'm not a Christian, I'm a Baptist!" I think I was probably 8 or 9 at the time, possibly a little older. Amusing story, but also incredibly true. I never bothered to read the Bible, just believed everything I was told about it. And it seemed like a scary thing to read, with all the stories I heard about judgment, damnation, hell, Satan, fearing God, his wrath - I mean, it just never seemed to me that there was anything positive about Christianity at all. However, that didn't stop me from becoming baptized around the age of 12 just to "fit in" and do what it seemed like was expected of me. I remember after being baptized I went to school and mimicked what I saw in church life - telling everyone I saw that they were going to hell. And I remember one boy asking me what made me think I wasn't going there, and I told him, "Because I'm Saved." And he asked me, "How do you know you are?" And I, of course, couldn't answer him. And that set me to thinking about things.
Now, during this time, I could, at any moment, have chosen to read the Bible to see what it actually said. But I chose (or, perhaps, Satan whispering in my ear chose for me) not to read it, because why would I want to read some antiquated book full of "thee's", "thou's", and "thy's"? Instead, I slowly drifted off into believing that God didn't actually exist, and found myself as an atheist. That didn't last very long, because I found I didn't like believing that there was no God (or no god) at all. One day, while out in the pasture behind our house, I was standing under a tree, with the sun shining through the branches and all the greenery around me, and thinking how I had learned through the church that nature gods were evil, were just an aspect of Satan. And I found myself thinking what utter nonsense that was; at that moment, my Pagan roots were born.
I then set out to try and learn what I could about Paganism. I checked books out of the library (both the Magee and Mendenhall branches), and started learning about Wicca. For about a year, I studied Wicca, then slowly began to realize it was too structured, too organized, too much like the organized religion I had left behind, for my tastes. I then started comparing different sects of Paganism, and finally decided I was an Eclectic Pagan - basically taking the aspects of the different sects I liked and making them my own. This kept me distracted for several more years, although as time passed, I found myself slowly changing from religious beliefs about Paganism to more philosophical beliefs about it. It wasn't until almost a decade ago that I realized I wasn't truly a Pagan anymore, that I had reverted back to atheism, but I hated admitting that to myself, so...I lied to myself for a couple more years. Finally I could no longer lie to myself, and had to admit that I was fully atheist again. But I still couldn't really admit this to others, so I kept up a "Pagan front", I guess you would say, letting others believe that I still was a Pagan. Odd, now that I think about it, that I would prefer people to think I had Pagan beliefs rather than no beliefs at all. My ideas, up until earlier this year, were that when you died, that was it. Your existence ended - you simply winked out of existence and that was that.
So what changed this year that caused my beliefs so radically to alter? Well, that story really begins 5 years ago, when I met someone that I befriended, who has become my best friend. Steve showed me, through example, that a Christian can be a loving, non-judgmental, non-condemning person that doesn't have to condemn others to hell to cover up his own inadequacies. I slowly tore down the preconceptions I had of Christians, learned that not all of them were full of hatred, that some actually were capable of living the Gospel of love and compassion towards others. But I still held firm to the notion that I would never call myself Christian again. And my friend respected that, although from time to time he would let slip something during a conversation, like "How could anyone look at the beauty of the world and not believe in God?". Such things didn't really convince me, but I learned later that they did have an effect on me.
He introduced me to
Josh Groban at one point, specifically the song "You Raise Me Up", which I resisted liking at first because it was just another "gospel song". Slowly I came to appreciate the song itself, and this lead me to discover the group
Celtic Woman, who also did a cover of the song. This song is special for a couple of reasons. 1) I believe it to be the beginning of music leading me to God, and 2) This song provided me much needed emotional support the day I learned I had been laid off from my 12-year-job at USM (University of Southern Mississippi) as part of the ongoing budget crisis. Driving home, I played the song in my truck, and it managed to keep me sane and give me hope on one of the toughest days of my life.
Through the rest of last year, and into this one, I discussed God with my friends, with my family, but never really considered what I meant by using the name "God". I guess I was just using it as a word, as a catch-all for anything beyond the ordinary, the physical, that we never truly understand. For whatever the reason, I used the word without cringing or any other negative side effects lol.
And then, in March of this year, Steve asked me if I would consider going to
First Baptist on Lincoln Road in Hattiesburg with him. He'd been wanting to visit the church, been called to it perhaps, for a while, and finally asked me if I'd go with him. I agreed, and it was
nothing like I expected at all. To begin with, the music wasn't dour, put-you-to-sleep music like I would expect in a Baptist church (and I'm sure I just offended someone somewhere somehow with my choice of phrasing), but was instead inspirational, wake-you-up contemporary Christian music. I remember telling Steve that my sister would probably walk out of the church at that point lol. Once the music was over, the minister came out and began to speak. The sermon was part one of a month-long theme called "The Christian Atheist". I couldn't really tell you what that sermon was all about. I just kind of sat there, feeling hostility bubbling up in me, and not paying any attention at all to the minister's words. Afterwards, we ended up going to KFC for lunch, and I remember sitting in the booth, eating chicken, and discussing the sermon. I was actually surprised that I could discuss what was said, since I didn't even pay attention to Jeff Clark's (the minister) words. So, I began asking pointed questions that frustrated Steve somewhat, since he couldn't really answer the questions I had. He tried, and to someone less vitriolic about the subject, his answers would have sufficed. But not for me! We eventually just decided to change the subject lol.
The next Sunday, as he was coming to visit, he called and asked me if I was ready for church. I hadn't expected that - I figured the Sunday we went was our one and only visit, but I reluctantly agreed that I would give it another go. So, we went, and as we entered, Steve said that he could feel the presence of God very powerfully in that church. I, of course, could not, but didn't bother telling him so. However, I did open myself up to the possibility of God, and I enjoyed the music and actually listened to the preacher's words. And most of what he said actually
made sense. I was flabbergasted by the idea, but figured that logically, of course what he said would make sense.
After that, we sort of both just decided we would keep going back. He also offered to buy me a Bible, which I accepted and began to read, only 30+ years too late. I looked at several versions, but he suggested I go with the New King James Version, since it was closest to the KJV without all the Middle Ages words. I decided I was going to start with Genesis and read the entire thing. This was the month after I had gotten my dog, Max, and as the weather was nice and the days were getting longer, we started going for long walks down the street a block away. As we would walk, I would have lots of time to think on spiritual matters, and I started asking God to reveal his presence to me, to give me some sign that He actually existed. And of course no tree fell in my path, no lightning shot across the sky, no anvil dropped from heaven to land beside me (or on me lol). However, during one such walk, He kind of gave me a tap on the shoulder, and reminded me of something that had happened 35 years before. When I was around 8, I had been riding my horse, Bobo, on the country gravel road we lived on. I was barefoot, as I always was back then (and normally still am these days in my home and occasionally outside). As we were going up the road, a group of kids from further up the road came by on their bikes. They stopped and we chatted for a little bit, but at some point, one of the kids did something to spook Bobo, and he reared up, throwing me off his back. I landed hard on the gravel road - on my feet. On my bare feet. With nary a cut, scratch, or bruise on my feet. The gravel was sharp, and it was hard, and it should have lacerated my feet. Actually, I shouldn't have landed on my feet at all. I am
not the most graceful of people. I have very little agility, I am clumsy as can be, I'm surprised I don't often trip over my own feet. And yet I landed on those very feet, those very bare feet, on sharp gravel, with no pain, no cuts or bruises, and didn't even have the wind knocked out of me from the very hard landing.
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| My Max |
I remember just stopping in the middle of the road with Max as that memory flooded back, and I realized that God had anticipated my question 35 years before and provided the answer then. So, once I realized that, I read the Bible a bit more carefully, not merely as another book, but as the Book. And I began to meet God. And I began to pray to Him. So, at this point, I decided that God existed and that God loved me, but I still wasn't sure at all about this Jesus fella. I guess I considered myself Jewish at this point lol. I still mulled over the idea of Christ, and figured that once I met Him, I would most likely follow Him, but I was still reading the Old Testament at this point. I had made it to the book of Esther when Steve and I talked about whether I should skip ahead to the New Testament or not. He suggested that I speak with
Jay McGuirk, the connections and adult pastor at the church, and get his opinion. By this point, I had spoken with Jay, mostly via email, for a while, and had met him and spoken with him in person as well. He answered questions I had and allowed me to ramble on to him about things, so I figured he would have some good advice for me. And he did indeed! He suggested I go ahead and finish Esther, then skip ahead and begin with the Gospel of John, then go back to the Gospel of Matthew and read the New Testament from there, then go back and finish the Old Testament when I was done.
Well, I followed his advice, and consumed the Gospels. And as I came to know Jesus, I also came to love Him. I read the New Testament pretty quickly, but carefully, trying my best to pick up nuances and interpret what I read. The biggest thing in my favor was when I came across something I didn't understand, or necessarily agree with, I would ask Jesus to clarify the Scriptures for me, and he would. A lot of people who aren't Christian, or are Christian in name only, probably will at this point think me mad, but God/Jesus talks to me - when I let myself listen. That's the big thing - He talks to us all the time, but mostly we're too busy, or the world is too loud, to listen to Him. In July or August, I compiled a mix cd of contemporary Christian music, and I put that in my truck's cd player. I have only removed it once, and that was to put in my cd that contained "You Raise Me Up" to listen to for a short time. I also signed up for and joined a Growth Group (First Baptist's, or as I'll refer to it from this point on, First Hattiesburg's, version of Bible study - our church only has Sunday morning services, one at 9:30am and a repeat of the same sermon at 11:00am, so Growth Groups also take the place of Sunday evening services), one of Faith. The combination of drenching myself in the music, going to church every Sunday (I've only missed 2 Sundays, and both of those were during July when the pastor was on sabbatical and had made videos called "At The Movies", each week concentrating on a different movie that had a spiritual theme to it), attending the Group meetings, reading the Bible several times a day, praying each and every day, and talking with God/Jesus at random times during the day, all lead to my accepting Christ as my Lord and Savior and deciding in September that I wanted to be baptized. I learned that being a Christ-follower isn't about religion; it's about a personal relationship with God and the Son of God (or Son of Man, as he mostly called himself in the Gospels).
So, I discussed it with Jay, and with
Jeff Powell (the director of worship programming, whom I also worked pretty extensively with over the last 7 months), and we decided that my being baptized was going to occur on Oct. 16. I made an interview video, basically outlining a shortened version of this testimony, almost 2 weeks before, and have since been saved through my baptism and my confession/profession that Jesus is the Lord of my life. Stay tuned for more updates, discussions of faith, and more!
